Relationships

Needy Friends and Shallow Bonds

Let’s talk about those friends who we’ve had in our lives for years but do nothing but use you and waste your time. I’ve known too many people who want me to give them my undivided attention and then after years of knowing each other, ask me what my last name is to tag me in a photo on Facebook, or ask me what it is I do at my full-time job, or even better suggest I become a blogger when HOLY CRAP that’s what I’ve been doing for the last ten years. 

It blows my mind how little people actually listen and pay attention when they demand all this time from me. It’s very shallow. I’m done with it. I’m done with fake friends. 

I recently blocked a girl I’ve known for many years on social media and text messaging because I needed a break from her. She would send me long paragraphs back to back to back and call and send me Instagram messages all day, and I just needed some room to breathe. She realized I had blocked her and sent me a email asking how I was in the typical petty and belittling tone she always uses when speaking to me, so I didn’t reply. I unblocked her form text and social media but didn’t engage. She then a few days later sent me a long thread of text messages saying how hurt she was and how what I did broke the trust in our friendship along with a bunch of other pitiful things. Not to be mean, but I don’t care. I have a life, a job, and a body I am trying to thrive in. I don’t have time for any whining. I get that she’s upset and wants me to listen to her, but I’ve already done that for 8 years, she never takes my advice or tries to better herself, and my ears hurt, so no. 

Another friend a few months ago invited me to the Los Angeles County Fair that was being held 2 hours away from where I live. She wanted to meet there, which meant parking and walking around the vast parking lot in basically Riverside to meet up with her to spend the whole day taking Instagram photos of each other. Well, two days before that, I got my period, and if you’re like most girls, you know that the first few days are hell on earth and none of us want to do anything but lay down with a heating pad on our stomach and be at home bundled up. I told her that I wouldn’t be able to make it to the fair and that I hope she finds someone to go with and has a great time. Her response: “Oh, okay.” Not “Oh Jen, that’s awful I’m sorry you’re not feeling well. No worries. Take care of yourself, and we will catch up soon.” I was literally so done with this girl after the lack of compassion she had for me. 

Most recently, a girlfriend I’ve known for a long time asked me what it was that I do for a living. Let me point out that my occupation is put out there like a billboard for people to see. It’s on every one of my bios on social media, I write out it on my blog (which none of my friends seem to read), and I make posts on social media like every day about what I do. Are people just blind to what they don’t care about? If so, and these people don’t care about me or pay any attention to what it is I do, respect how I’m feeling, or honor my precious time by not being selfish little beeps. 

Signs of a Bad Friend

  1. They only call when they want something from you. 
  2. They put you down, make you feel less of yourself, and belittle your self-worth and value.
  3. The conversations you have with them are never equal. It’s always about them and very little to do with you. If they want to talk about you, it’s only to hear the negative. Hearing anything positive from you makes them uncomfortable. 
  4. You feel bad about yourself after you’ve spent time with them.
  5. They are not genuinely happy for you when good things happen. A real friend will want to see you succeeded and be satisfied. Someone toxic is always trying to be competitive with you when that’s not what friendship is about. Encouraging each other, yes? But to be weird when you have something to celebrate: that’s not a good friend. 
  6. They drag drama into your life.
  7. They talk bad about you behind your back.
  8. They flake on you frequently when you have plans to do something. 
  9. They are a terrible influence and cause you to make poor decisions. 
  10. They exclude you from doing things with mutual friends.

Rarely do we meet people who genuinely care about us without any alternative motive. It’s too bad, but I am learning to distance myself from these types of shallow and self-consumed humans who only want to use me and waste my time. I’m learning that I don’t need a single person like this in my life, and I need to free myself from being wrapped up in thinking these kinds of people are my friends; because they aren’t. They are energy vampires, and the only benefit anyone is getting out of it is them. 

It’s time that I focus only on the people who honor, respect, and value me. If someone feels offended by that, then to me, that means they were benefiting from a lack of my boundaries and do not respect feelings. We all know or have known people like this, who act like they are your friends but take from you. They manipulate you into thinking you are friends and prey on your vulnerability and kindness to serve their own selfish needs. It’s sick, really, but the best thing you can do is cut them off and focus on the people who actually care. 

    

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