The beat sinks deep into my chest. The warm flush of heat rises up to the surface of my skin. Unimaginable fear saturates my thoughts. If there was a way to make it disappear I would take it. If there was ever a chance I would never have to relive that horrifying November night, I would take it.
People are not who we make them out to be in our heads. They are creatures capable of vicious trouble, lies covered up by manipulation and self-induced egos. When jealousy becomes rage and rage becomes war, there is no telling if the end is ever near. He left me sitting there in a world of confusion and lost hope that now I know no trust. Leaning on him was all I thought I had for so many years. His love was what I thought I could count on.
But, how ironic is it that the person you devote the most love, passion, trust and confidence to is the same person who attempts to tear your life apart, the same person who crushes your soul and damages your heart from ever loving another the same way again.
In the belief that only God could help me get through this and that the air he gave me to breathe was the only thing keeping me strong. The music, the silence, the peace the things we create are all that gets us by.
Trauma does not expire. But the body and the mind is capable of healing completely. When I’m forced to relive the darkest time of my life everything comes back to me. It haunts me even in the brightest time of day. All I have wanted since that night is for my life to be the way it was before your rage took over.
Maybe it was the way he gave our relationship an unbearable destiny that I never wanted to live with. Maybe it was waking up not sure if I dreamed a terrible nightmare or all that happened actually took place. Maybe the lack of sleep and three days of not eating a single thing was making me completely lose my mind. I hardly spoke to anyone for months. Silence was my friend and in that silence is where I found peace.
All I know is waking up that next morning I couldn’t believe what I saw when I opened my front door to find everything I ever gave this man laying there on my door step. I leaned down to pick up six years of my life, turned around and threw it all away. Walked upstairs and laid back down in my bed.
Time seemed to go by so slowly. Life was not passing by fast enough. All I wanted to do was fast forward through all the motions and feel better again. I was left sitting alone, feeling numb, staring off into thin air, wondering who was left in the world that I could talk to? Who could I share my experience with? It was too much to explain. It was too brutal to relive. There was no one left in my world who could truly understand. My silent cries went unheard.
Maybe he’s a better person now. Maybe I will one day love someone that deeply again. Maybe this tragic ending the vicious cycle of our passionate romance was the best thing and the worst thing to ever happen to me. And for that I may just be forever grateful he destroyed the person I used to be so that I could become the strong woman I am today.
…Because this song… these lyrics…
And this song that seemed to be the anthem of this phase of my life.